Saturday, I am a warrior

 It's Saturday again and I escape to my room for a bit of rest and relief.  I love my family so dearly but the week has taken a toll on me.  I need some space and time to do nothing or to feel like I don't have to do anything.
I watch a show.  A mindless viewing, it is the escape I was hoping for.  Not thinking is good for me and to be lost in a realm of meaningless dribble, isn't so bad for awhile.
I go upstairs because I missed lunch.  I'm not really hungry but I feel like eating.  I'd like to eat a lot but that doesn't help me feel any better in the long run.  Ah, a piece of toast.  Just the thing.  The bread is a real "no, no," white and chewy.  Mmmm, I relish every sinful bite.  It looks kind of out of place on my plate, like the way I feel most of the time.
I go to my frig and grab a bunch of grapes.  I actually have picked out the dreamy kind that are so perfect to nibble on.  It is a lonely Saturday.  My mind trips back years to other weekends when there was so much to do.  I like having nothing to do.  I wish I had someone to do nothing with.
I am a warrior.  I will get through this weekend and make it my victory.

Just a quick thought

I'm going through some stuff right now.  I was just brushing my teeth and it came bearing down on me...I am so alone.  I have a wonderful family.  They are truly so wonderful.  And I know that one can be so alone even when you are married.  I know what that feels like.  But as I go through these little struggles of mine I wish I had a hand to hold, a warm and strong body to snuggle with just to take the edge off of life for a moment or two.
I have no one to share my feelings with that really wants to hear it.  No one that is truly glad to see me when I come home.  When I talk about my day, they politely listen but they would rather not have to.  I see it in their eyes.
I pray and pray.  I study and I ponder and think.  I know the Lord is there, but I can't feel Him.  I can't get close enough to fill the emptiness.  I know it is my fault and not my God's which only adds to the feelings of loss, failure and aloneness.

Oh Bother

I don't know why I bother to write stuff like this.  I wanted to be a writer once. Actually, I still do.  But the stuff I write is so boring. I don't even enjoy reading it myself.  And this blog?  Another whiney, boring enterprise.  I write here just to get it out.  Because I don't really have anyone to talk to so this is as good a place to vent as anywhere.  No one around to judge or listen.
I stopped writing in my journal years ago because it was so boring, too.  I don't care anymore if my children know anything about me. My life has been a very good example of a boring, hum drum and less than average kind of life.  Yeah, when this life is over, it will be a relief and I will be soon forgotten.  I am of no real significance. And yes, I know it is my own fault, I'm not blaming anyone else for my less than stellar life.
I know Heavenly Father loves me but He doesn't shed much light about any mission I'm supposed to accomplish.  So I'm guessing my mission was to bring 6 amazing children to this world. I'm just like some big fat cow.  That sums up my life pretty well actually.  Produced 6 offspring and I eat all the time.  Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Too funny.  Mind  you I don't blame HIM, just more proof of the lack of value or worth that I am.
No one really wants me.  That's how I feel most of the time.  I feel so badly that I'm a burden on my family.  I wish I had enough money that I could go somewhere so I wouldn't be such a burden.  Oh well,  we'll see what happens.

Giving up the dream

I have been contemplating my life so much lately.  Maybe a little too much. I have "experimented on the word" and have been praying for strength to live this life that Heavenly Father has given me.  I am not the kind of person that knows how to get out there and make things happen.  I'm just not like that.  I guess that is one of my failures, so I have been praying for strength to accept my life.  I have felt some peace about that.  I am giving up my dreams and realizing that it just isn't going to happen for me.  I got this kind of "aha" moment on a few occasions.  I looked at myself through the eyes of those around me.  I realized that they don't ever see me getting married.  They don't look at me that way.  My Bishop, members of the Stake Presidency, single friends, family, friends...they see me as a single person.  No one ever says, "you should get out there and date or go to single activities.  You are such a wonderful person.  I know some man will snatch you up."  No, nothing is ever said to me like that...ever.
I'm not a head turner or someone that anyone ever notices of value.  People expect me to be single forever and I'm now that person that everyone sees as growing old alone.
So be it.  I just don't care so much anymore.  But part of me is surprised inside because I was a good wife.  I was a really good wife.  But who cares?  I guess Heavenly Father wants me to learn lessons that I'm not learning.  I guess I'm not enough to have those blessings. I get it that I'm not good enough.  I understand, I know me better than anyone else. 
Everyone hates a pity party. How pathetic.  I wish I knew how to change.  I wish I could become the person I really wanted to be and then it wouldn't matter whether I was married or not.  I hate myself as much as everyone else does, probably more.
I give up. I give up.  Do you hear me?  I'm not going to let myself dwell on what could have been.  I'm just going to keep praying that I can get the strength to do this alone.  All of it, alone.

Lonely...

Lately, I have been so lonely.  Yeah, why don't I go and do something about that? Well, why should I? I just feel like it wouldn't do any good to put myself out there. It is a hopeless world out there for the hopeless romantic person that I am. 

Naw, I don't expect a white knight to come riding up and swoop me up in his arms and take me away so that we can live happily ever after.  I DO believe that through Heavenly Father all things are possible and so I do think that if he wanted me to meet someone, He would have.  Or will make it so that our paths will cross in spite of reluctance to get out there and do something about it.  Ha!  It will never happen.  

A Roller Coaster Ride

   Being single is like being on a roller coaster.  I have so many ups and downs.  Well, maybe not SO many ups.  But one minute I'm saying I can do this and the next moment I am missing someone so much, it hurts!
   I suffer for the most part in silence, because honestly, who wants to hear me whine and bemoan my lot?  But I'm not fooling anyone.  They know. I'm sorry that they know. I don't want them to know.  
   It is my fault after all.  If I would just get out there, I'd find someone or if I were more beautiful, smart, skinny, faithful, righteous...  Yeah, no one can go through the lists of why I'm not married or with someone, better than me.
   Oh how I long to let go and be happy.  I try.  I pray for it.  I do everything I can think of.  Right now I just want to put my head on someone's shoulder and have them rub my head and tell me it will be alright.  I ache for that. Oh crap, I'll never have that.  Durn life anyway!!!

I LIED

   Okay, so I lied. I try really hard to look at things positively...eventually. If I use this blog to talk about how I really feel a lot of the time, it will sound so negative. Let it be known, always, that the bottom line of my life is that I have been very blessed!!!  I know it and I know that Heavenly Father knows how much he has tried to help me out - over and over and over and over again.  I know that and believe it with all my heart.
   
So when I say negative things here and share what is going on in my head, it  is just sharing a moment of time, not always the biggest part or the most important parts.

I lied about accepting my situation and I lied about it being okay. Well, maybe I just made it sound a little more rosy than it actually is.  Because, honestly, it is the pits!  It is so different being single.  Most people have no idea. I still remember one sunny afternoon looking out my dining room windows.  I was watching my husband, Rob, leave to go see a single sister in our branch who was struggling. I felt great compassion for that sister and prayed that I would never have to go through that experience.  I loved being married, adored my husband, and was terrified that some day I would have that "single" status as well.  It was one of the worst things I could imagine for myself.

And here I am almost 18 years after my divorce, still single. I hate it, most of the time.  I miss so many things about being married.  Every time I hear a woman complain about her husband I hurt inside.  Sometimes it is justified, under rare conditions such as abuse, but for the most part, it makes me kind of mad and sad.  Does she realize how lucky she is?

I hate it when people tell me how lucky I am that I don't have to answer to a husband and that I can do whatever I want to do.  It feels so condescending. I hate it when people talk about marriage in the next life and how lucky we are to have that.  And I hate it when people who have never been divorced try to tell me how I feel or should feel.

Sorry that I lied, I just wanted to make the best of it and not share the worst of it.