I LIED

   Okay, so I lied. I try really hard to look at things positively...eventually. If I use this blog to talk about how I really feel a lot of the time, it will sound so negative. Let it be known, always, that the bottom line of my life is that I have been very blessed!!!  I know it and I know that Heavenly Father knows how much he has tried to help me out - over and over and over and over again.  I know that and believe it with all my heart.
   
So when I say negative things here and share what is going on in my head, it  is just sharing a moment of time, not always the biggest part or the most important parts.

I lied about accepting my situation and I lied about it being okay. Well, maybe I just made it sound a little more rosy than it actually is.  Because, honestly, it is the pits!  It is so different being single.  Most people have no idea. I still remember one sunny afternoon looking out my dining room windows.  I was watching my husband, Rob, leave to go see a single sister in our branch who was struggling. I felt great compassion for that sister and prayed that I would never have to go through that experience.  I loved being married, adored my husband, and was terrified that some day I would have that "single" status as well.  It was one of the worst things I could imagine for myself.

And here I am almost 18 years after my divorce, still single. I hate it, most of the time.  I miss so many things about being married.  Every time I hear a woman complain about her husband I hurt inside.  Sometimes it is justified, under rare conditions such as abuse, but for the most part, it makes me kind of mad and sad.  Does she realize how lucky she is?

I hate it when people tell me how lucky I am that I don't have to answer to a husband and that I can do whatever I want to do.  It feels so condescending. I hate it when people talk about marriage in the next life and how lucky we are to have that.  And I hate it when people who have never been divorced try to tell me how I feel or should feel.

Sorry that I lied, I just wanted to make the best of it and not share the worst of it.