Oh Bother

I don't know why I bother to write stuff like this.  I wanted to be a writer once. Actually, I still do.  But the stuff I write is so boring. I don't even enjoy reading it myself.  And this blog?  Another whiney, boring enterprise.  I write here just to get it out.  Because I don't really have anyone to talk to so this is as good a place to vent as anywhere.  No one around to judge or listen.
I stopped writing in my journal years ago because it was so boring, too.  I don't care anymore if my children know anything about me. My life has been a very good example of a boring, hum drum and less than average kind of life.  Yeah, when this life is over, it will be a relief and I will be soon forgotten.  I am of no real significance. And yes, I know it is my own fault, I'm not blaming anyone else for my less than stellar life.
I know Heavenly Father loves me but He doesn't shed much light about any mission I'm supposed to accomplish.  So I'm guessing my mission was to bring 6 amazing children to this world. I'm just like some big fat cow.  That sums up my life pretty well actually.  Produced 6 offspring and I eat all the time.  Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Too funny.  Mind  you I don't blame HIM, just more proof of the lack of value or worth that I am.
No one really wants me.  That's how I feel most of the time.  I feel so badly that I'm a burden on my family.  I wish I had enough money that I could go somewhere so I wouldn't be such a burden.  Oh well,  we'll see what happens.

Giving up the dream

I have been contemplating my life so much lately.  Maybe a little too much. I have "experimented on the word" and have been praying for strength to live this life that Heavenly Father has given me.  I am not the kind of person that knows how to get out there and make things happen.  I'm just not like that.  I guess that is one of my failures, so I have been praying for strength to accept my life.  I have felt some peace about that.  I am giving up my dreams and realizing that it just isn't going to happen for me.  I got this kind of "aha" moment on a few occasions.  I looked at myself through the eyes of those around me.  I realized that they don't ever see me getting married.  They don't look at me that way.  My Bishop, members of the Stake Presidency, single friends, family, friends...they see me as a single person.  No one ever says, "you should get out there and date or go to single activities.  You are such a wonderful person.  I know some man will snatch you up."  No, nothing is ever said to me like that...ever.
I'm not a head turner or someone that anyone ever notices of value.  People expect me to be single forever and I'm now that person that everyone sees as growing old alone.
So be it.  I just don't care so much anymore.  But part of me is surprised inside because I was a good wife.  I was a really good wife.  But who cares?  I guess Heavenly Father wants me to learn lessons that I'm not learning.  I guess I'm not enough to have those blessings. I get it that I'm not good enough.  I understand, I know me better than anyone else. 
Everyone hates a pity party. How pathetic.  I wish I knew how to change.  I wish I could become the person I really wanted to be and then it wouldn't matter whether I was married or not.  I hate myself as much as everyone else does, probably more.
I give up. I give up.  Do you hear me?  I'm not going to let myself dwell on what could have been.  I'm just going to keep praying that I can get the strength to do this alone.  All of it, alone.