To Begin With

To begin with I have been single for a long time.  Funny how time passes when you are having fun...
Ha!
My son suggested I begin this blog.  And I was just laying there in bed thinking and unable to sleep and I thought, why not?  It isn't like anyone is going to actually read this and maybe it will help me in some way.  My son is a wise and smart man, maybe he knows something I don't.

I went to bed last night hugging my pillow.  I always have my squishy pillow close by to hug throughout the night. That helps.
I don't know why every couple these days, needs a queen size bed (or larger). My husband and I slept on a double mattress for our entire marriage and every night he would put his arm around me and we would blissfully drift off to sleep.  When it came time to roll over we would automatically roll over together and I would put my arm around him.  We slept that way most of the night and I loved it.  It was one of the most difficult things about being single.  I could not sleep well without him and began to use my pillow to hug each night.  I think I love that pillow almost as much as I did him. Ha!  Not much of a replacement but some comfort.

I'm in a bit of a mess right now.  I know I make my own messes and really that is not so unique to being single.  But the difference is that being married you have a kind of safeguard.  You have someone to bounce off all those crazy ideas of yours.  I remember watching my mother as a single woman and her head got kind of mixed up and that led to some really bizarre choices. Eventually, she lost precious things because she let her mind have its way without any reality checks.  I have my children to talk to, but they aren't always available and I don't want to be a burden on them so I keep things to myself. Then AFTER I make those crazy mistakes they help me see my way out.
I pray and I pray, but the Lord doesn't step in to prevent stuff. He lets us have that free agency to do dumb stuff.

I am going to lose my little house.  If I had kept my mouth shut, I probably could have kept it, at least a little longer. Now I am going to lose it.  I can't stop that from happening and it breaks my heart.  I hate the thought of going through all of that...alone!