Acceptance

     I think that accepting where I am and where I am likely to continue to be is perhaps the hardest thing about being single.  Lately, I've been thinking a lot about being single for the rest of my life.
     First I think about what I will never have.  I think I will never know what it is like to be loved, really loved for who I am.  The kind of love that it really doesn't matter if I'm dirty and sweaty from working in the garden; he will still think I am the most beautiful woman in the world.  The kind of love that I can feel secure that he will love me no matter what.
     Oddly, I think about dying alone.  That could happen anyway, no guarantees if I was married, who would go first.  But for some reason I hate the idea of not having my husband there to hold my hand when I take leave of this life.
     I think of no cuddling or kissing or holding hands with someone I love.  I think of the daily conversations and sharing the ups and downs of each day with someone special.  I think of never having one very extraordinary person who is waiting at home just for me.  Someone that will miss me while we are a part and can't wait until I get home.  I will not have my other half.
     There are so many little and big things I will miss out on, if I never marry in this life.
     I am trying to accept all of that and getting closer to it every moment.  Sometimes, I must confess, I break down and cry at unexpected times.  I look at all the couples at church and I know none of them have "perfect" marriages, but it overcomes me once in awhile that they have each other, for better or for worse, and I am alone.
     And then, eventually, if I am patient enough, the peace and comfort comes.  I am so grateful for that.  It tells me that I will be okay, no matter what.  It reminds me that I can do this.  It reminds me that I have two very special men in my life, my Heavenly Father and my elder brother and Savior, Jesus Christ.  They love me perfectly and no matter what.  They know me and are always there for me.  I know it is not quite the same, it is even better.
     I can do this.  I can do this.  I can live this life God gave me.  I realize that there are things I most likely will never have, but when I make the list of what I have, there are so many more things to celebrate.  I have so much to be grateful for. Yes, I am so close now to accepting and embracing this special life I have been given. I think I can be brave and just do this life...alone.