Lately, I have been so lonely. Yeah, why don't I go and do something about that? Well, why should I? I just feel like it wouldn't do any good to put myself out there. It is a hopeless world out there for the hopeless romantic person that I am.
Naw, I don't expect a white knight to come riding up and swoop me up in his arms and take me away so that we can live happily ever after. I DO believe that through Heavenly Father all things are possible and so I do think that if he wanted me to meet someone, He would have. Or will make it so that our paths will cross in spite of reluctance to get out there and do something about it. Ha! It will never happen.
Monday, February 18, 2013
A Roller Coaster Ride
Being single is like being on a roller coaster. I have so many ups and downs. Well, maybe not SO many ups. But one minute I'm saying I can do this and the next moment I am missing someone so much, it hurts!
I suffer for the most part in silence, because honestly, who wants to hear me whine and bemoan my lot? But I'm not fooling anyone. They know. I'm sorry that they know. I don't want them to know.
It is my fault after all. If I would just get out there, I'd find someone or if I were more beautiful, smart, skinny, faithful, righteous... Yeah, no one can go through the lists of why I'm not married or with someone, better than me.
Oh how I long to let go and be happy. I try. I pray for it. I do everything I can think of. Right now I just want to put my head on someone's shoulder and have them rub my head and tell me it will be alright. I ache for that. Oh crap, I'll never have that. Durn life anyway!!!
I suffer for the most part in silence, because honestly, who wants to hear me whine and bemoan my lot? But I'm not fooling anyone. They know. I'm sorry that they know. I don't want them to know.
It is my fault after all. If I would just get out there, I'd find someone or if I were more beautiful, smart, skinny, faithful, righteous... Yeah, no one can go through the lists of why I'm not married or with someone, better than me.
Oh how I long to let go and be happy. I try. I pray for it. I do everything I can think of. Right now I just want to put my head on someone's shoulder and have them rub my head and tell me it will be alright. I ache for that. Oh crap, I'll never have that. Durn life anyway!!!
Sunday, February 3, 2013
I LIED
Okay, so I lied. I try really hard to look at things positively...eventually. If I use this blog to talk about how I really feel a lot of the time, it will sound so negative. Let it be known, always, that the bottom line of my life is that I have been very blessed!!! I know it and I know that Heavenly Father knows how much he has tried to help me out - over and over and over and over again. I know that and believe it with all my heart.
So when I say negative things here and share what is going on in my head, it is just sharing a moment of time, not always the biggest part or the most important parts.
I lied about accepting my situation and I lied about it being okay. Well, maybe I just made it sound a little more rosy than it actually is. Because, honestly, it is the pits! It is so different being single. Most people have no idea. I still remember one sunny afternoon looking out my dining room windows. I was watching my husband, Rob, leave to go see a single sister in our branch who was struggling. I felt great compassion for that sister and prayed that I would never have to go through that experience. I loved being married, adored my husband, and was terrified that some day I would have that "single" status as well. It was one of the worst things I could imagine for myself.
And here I am almost 18 years after my divorce, still single. I hate it, most of the time. I miss so many things about being married. Every time I hear a woman complain about her husband I hurt inside. Sometimes it is justified, under rare conditions such as abuse, but for the most part, it makes me kind of mad and sad. Does she realize how lucky she is?
I hate it when people tell me how lucky I am that I don't have to answer to a husband and that I can do whatever I want to do. It feels so condescending. I hate it when people talk about marriage in the next life and how lucky we are to have that. And I hate it when people who have never been divorced try to tell me how I feel or should feel.
Sorry that I lied, I just wanted to make the best of it and not share the worst of it.
So when I say negative things here and share what is going on in my head, it is just sharing a moment of time, not always the biggest part or the most important parts.
I lied about accepting my situation and I lied about it being okay. Well, maybe I just made it sound a little more rosy than it actually is. Because, honestly, it is the pits! It is so different being single. Most people have no idea. I still remember one sunny afternoon looking out my dining room windows. I was watching my husband, Rob, leave to go see a single sister in our branch who was struggling. I felt great compassion for that sister and prayed that I would never have to go through that experience. I loved being married, adored my husband, and was terrified that some day I would have that "single" status as well. It was one of the worst things I could imagine for myself.
And here I am almost 18 years after my divorce, still single. I hate it, most of the time. I miss so many things about being married. Every time I hear a woman complain about her husband I hurt inside. Sometimes it is justified, under rare conditions such as abuse, but for the most part, it makes me kind of mad and sad. Does she realize how lucky she is?
I hate it when people tell me how lucky I am that I don't have to answer to a husband and that I can do whatever I want to do. It feels so condescending. I hate it when people talk about marriage in the next life and how lucky we are to have that. And I hate it when people who have never been divorced try to tell me how I feel or should feel.
Sorry that I lied, I just wanted to make the best of it and not share the worst of it.
Sunday, January 27, 2013
Single Rep?
I'm the single rep for my ward. I am a co-single rep for our ward. Recently, I taped a survey to the doors of every single adult 31 and up, listed in our ward. Not fun, it was so cold and slippery that night. With the survey, was a stamped and addressed envelope to me so that all they had to do was check the boxes and put it in the envelope and send it to me. Three people responded. I was so disappointed. I had a line that read, 'if you don't want to participate, check this box and basically, we'll just leave you alone.' That's all they had to do - was make a check mark.
So if they didn't bother to do that, what does it mean? I would never be so rude. Where is the love?
Ha! Well, there's no sense in reading too much into that, except I think it is pretty clear, there is no interest. That's okay...
So at our last meeting with the High Councilman and member of the Stake Presidency, I came home feeling so discouraged. We all sit there with little to say, no one really wants to do much. Honestly, I don't either. Everyone is busy and it doesn't seem worth the effort. I was hoping to make some single friends through this calling. There are so few that come, there isn't a lot of chance of that happening. I'm the oldest in the group.
They are having a regional dinner and dance for Valentine's Day. I want to vomit. I volunteered to make a pot of noodles for the dinner. There were only 4 of us present and they needed that many pots. I get it now. I am a rep so that they have someone to assign stuff to. My sole purpose in life is to serve. A bit of sarcasm there, sorry, but sometimes it just gets to me because I don't feel any blessings because I'm serving. I suppose my eyesight is messed up and I know my attitude needs to change. Oh, I know I am blessed, but in these kind of things? Not so much.
So if I'm contributing to the dinner do I still have to pay $5 ? Just the thought of going there by myself and sitting by myself or with a group of strangers and then most likely being a wall flower at the dance, horrifies me. Why do they continue to do the same things over and over? Who really likes this stuff? How does this help any of us?
So now I have to figure out how to drop off a pot of noodles, keep them warm enough, and not let them turn to mush, and stick to each other in a disposable pot and get the heck out of there! I cannot make myself go to something like that. It would be kind of fun if I had a date though. Fat chance that will ever happen!!! Unless you are a skinny beautiful model type or someone that is oblivious to the world, these affairs are not likely to turn out very well.
I'm not a head turner. Lately, I've been eating a lot. I still managed to lose a few pounds because over Christmas I was eating a lot, LOT! I've cut out sugar, but still have a need for the nibbles. My weight is up and my self esteem is down. So I've got it all stacked against me right now. Then I think, who cares? I'm never going to marry again anyway. Then I think...I had better start caring because I need to take care of me. Regardless what happens in the future to my marital status, I want to be healthy.
So, I'm looking ahead to Valentine's Day with real dread and the dinner and dance? Argh and Yuck!
So if they didn't bother to do that, what does it mean? I would never be so rude. Where is the love?
Ha! Well, there's no sense in reading too much into that, except I think it is pretty clear, there is no interest. That's okay...
So at our last meeting with the High Councilman and member of the Stake Presidency, I came home feeling so discouraged. We all sit there with little to say, no one really wants to do much. Honestly, I don't either. Everyone is busy and it doesn't seem worth the effort. I was hoping to make some single friends through this calling. There are so few that come, there isn't a lot of chance of that happening. I'm the oldest in the group.
They are having a regional dinner and dance for Valentine's Day. I want to vomit. I volunteered to make a pot of noodles for the dinner. There were only 4 of us present and they needed that many pots. I get it now. I am a rep so that they have someone to assign stuff to. My sole purpose in life is to serve. A bit of sarcasm there, sorry, but sometimes it just gets to me because I don't feel any blessings because I'm serving. I suppose my eyesight is messed up and I know my attitude needs to change. Oh, I know I am blessed, but in these kind of things? Not so much.
So if I'm contributing to the dinner do I still have to pay $5 ? Just the thought of going there by myself and sitting by myself or with a group of strangers and then most likely being a wall flower at the dance, horrifies me. Why do they continue to do the same things over and over? Who really likes this stuff? How does this help any of us?
So now I have to figure out how to drop off a pot of noodles, keep them warm enough, and not let them turn to mush, and stick to each other in a disposable pot and get the heck out of there! I cannot make myself go to something like that. It would be kind of fun if I had a date though. Fat chance that will ever happen!!! Unless you are a skinny beautiful model type or someone that is oblivious to the world, these affairs are not likely to turn out very well.
I'm not a head turner. Lately, I've been eating a lot. I still managed to lose a few pounds because over Christmas I was eating a lot, LOT! I've cut out sugar, but still have a need for the nibbles. My weight is up and my self esteem is down. So I've got it all stacked against me right now. Then I think, who cares? I'm never going to marry again anyway. Then I think...I had better start caring because I need to take care of me. Regardless what happens in the future to my marital status, I want to be healthy.
So, I'm looking ahead to Valentine's Day with real dread and the dinner and dance? Argh and Yuck!
Monday, January 21, 2013
Acceptance
I think that accepting where I am and where I am likely to continue to be is perhaps the hardest thing about being single. Lately, I've been thinking a lot about being single for the rest of my life.
First I think about what I will never have. I think I will never know what it is like to be loved, really loved for who I am. The kind of love that it really doesn't matter if I'm dirty and sweaty from working in the garden; he will still think I am the most beautiful woman in the world. The kind of love that I can feel secure that he will love me no matter what.
Oddly, I think about dying alone. That could happen anyway, no guarantees if I was married, who would go first. But for some reason I hate the idea of not having my husband there to hold my hand when I take leave of this life.
I think of no cuddling or kissing or holding hands with someone I love. I think of the daily conversations and sharing the ups and downs of each day with someone special. I think of never having one very extraordinary person who is waiting at home just for me. Someone that will miss me while we are a part and can't wait until I get home. I will not have my other half.
There are so many little and big things I will miss out on, if I never marry in this life.
I am trying to accept all of that and getting closer to it every moment. Sometimes, I must confess, I break down and cry at unexpected times. I look at all the couples at church and I know none of them have "perfect" marriages, but it overcomes me once in awhile that they have each other, for better or for worse, and I am alone.
And then, eventually, if I am patient enough, the peace and comfort comes. I am so grateful for that. It tells me that I will be okay, no matter what. It reminds me that I can do this. It reminds me that I have two very special men in my life, my Heavenly Father and my elder brother and Savior, Jesus Christ. They love me perfectly and no matter what. They know me and are always there for me. I know it is not quite the same, it is even better.
I can do this. I can do this. I can live this life God gave me. I realize that there are things I most likely will never have, but when I make the list of what I have, there are so many more things to celebrate. I have so much to be grateful for. Yes, I am so close now to accepting and embracing this special life I have been given. I think I can be brave and just do this life...alone.
First I think about what I will never have. I think I will never know what it is like to be loved, really loved for who I am. The kind of love that it really doesn't matter if I'm dirty and sweaty from working in the garden; he will still think I am the most beautiful woman in the world. The kind of love that I can feel secure that he will love me no matter what.
Oddly, I think about dying alone. That could happen anyway, no guarantees if I was married, who would go first. But for some reason I hate the idea of not having my husband there to hold my hand when I take leave of this life.
I think of no cuddling or kissing or holding hands with someone I love. I think of the daily conversations and sharing the ups and downs of each day with someone special. I think of never having one very extraordinary person who is waiting at home just for me. Someone that will miss me while we are a part and can't wait until I get home. I will not have my other half.
There are so many little and big things I will miss out on, if I never marry in this life.
I am trying to accept all of that and getting closer to it every moment. Sometimes, I must confess, I break down and cry at unexpected times. I look at all the couples at church and I know none of them have "perfect" marriages, but it overcomes me once in awhile that they have each other, for better or for worse, and I am alone.
And then, eventually, if I am patient enough, the peace and comfort comes. I am so grateful for that. It tells me that I will be okay, no matter what. It reminds me that I can do this. It reminds me that I have two very special men in my life, my Heavenly Father and my elder brother and Savior, Jesus Christ. They love me perfectly and no matter what. They know me and are always there for me. I know it is not quite the same, it is even better.
I can do this. I can do this. I can live this life God gave me. I realize that there are things I most likely will never have, but when I make the list of what I have, there are so many more things to celebrate. I have so much to be grateful for. Yes, I am so close now to accepting and embracing this special life I have been given. I think I can be brave and just do this life...alone.
Sunday, January 13, 2013
To Begin With
To begin with I have been single for a long time. Funny how time passes when you are having fun...
Ha!
My son suggested I begin this blog. And I was just laying there in bed thinking and unable to sleep and I thought, why not? It isn't like anyone is going to actually read this and maybe it will help me in some way. My son is a wise and smart man, maybe he knows something I don't.
I went to bed last night hugging my pillow. I always have my squishy pillow close by to hug throughout the night. That helps.
I don't know why every couple these days, needs a queen size bed (or larger). My husband and I slept on a double mattress for our entire marriage and every night he would put his arm around me and we would blissfully drift off to sleep. When it came time to roll over we would automatically roll over together and I would put my arm around him. We slept that way most of the night and I loved it. It was one of the most difficult things about being single. I could not sleep well without him and began to use my pillow to hug each night. I think I love that pillow almost as much as I did him. Ha! Not much of a replacement but some comfort.
I'm in a bit of a mess right now. I know I make my own messes and really that is not so unique to being single. But the difference is that being married you have a kind of safeguard. You have someone to bounce off all those crazy ideas of yours. I remember watching my mother as a single woman and her head got kind of mixed up and that led to some really bizarre choices. Eventually, she lost precious things because she let her mind have its way without any reality checks. I have my children to talk to, but they aren't always available and I don't want to be a burden on them so I keep things to myself. Then AFTER I make those crazy mistakes they help me see my way out.
I pray and I pray, but the Lord doesn't step in to prevent stuff. He lets us have that free agency to do dumb stuff.
I am going to lose my little house. If I had kept my mouth shut, I probably could have kept it, at least a little longer. Now I am going to lose it. I can't stop that from happening and it breaks my heart. I hate the thought of going through all of that...alone!
Ha!
My son suggested I begin this blog. And I was just laying there in bed thinking and unable to sleep and I thought, why not? It isn't like anyone is going to actually read this and maybe it will help me in some way. My son is a wise and smart man, maybe he knows something I don't.
I went to bed last night hugging my pillow. I always have my squishy pillow close by to hug throughout the night. That helps.
I don't know why every couple these days, needs a queen size bed (or larger). My husband and I slept on a double mattress for our entire marriage and every night he would put his arm around me and we would blissfully drift off to sleep. When it came time to roll over we would automatically roll over together and I would put my arm around him. We slept that way most of the night and I loved it. It was one of the most difficult things about being single. I could not sleep well without him and began to use my pillow to hug each night. I think I love that pillow almost as much as I did him. Ha! Not much of a replacement but some comfort.
I'm in a bit of a mess right now. I know I make my own messes and really that is not so unique to being single. But the difference is that being married you have a kind of safeguard. You have someone to bounce off all those crazy ideas of yours. I remember watching my mother as a single woman and her head got kind of mixed up and that led to some really bizarre choices. Eventually, she lost precious things because she let her mind have its way without any reality checks. I have my children to talk to, but they aren't always available and I don't want to be a burden on them so I keep things to myself. Then AFTER I make those crazy mistakes they help me see my way out.
I pray and I pray, but the Lord doesn't step in to prevent stuff. He lets us have that free agency to do dumb stuff.
I am going to lose my little house. If I had kept my mouth shut, I probably could have kept it, at least a little longer. Now I am going to lose it. I can't stop that from happening and it breaks my heart. I hate the thought of going through all of that...alone!
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