Saturday, I am a warrior

 It's Saturday again and I escape to my room for a bit of rest and relief.  I love my family so dearly but the week has taken a toll on me.  I need some space and time to do nothing or to feel like I don't have to do anything.
I watch a show.  A mindless viewing, it is the escape I was hoping for.  Not thinking is good for me and to be lost in a realm of meaningless dribble, isn't so bad for awhile.
I go upstairs because I missed lunch.  I'm not really hungry but I feel like eating.  I'd like to eat a lot but that doesn't help me feel any better in the long run.  Ah, a piece of toast.  Just the thing.  The bread is a real "no, no," white and chewy.  Mmmm, I relish every sinful bite.  It looks kind of out of place on my plate, like the way I feel most of the time.
I go to my frig and grab a bunch of grapes.  I actually have picked out the dreamy kind that are so perfect to nibble on.  It is a lonely Saturday.  My mind trips back years to other weekends when there was so much to do.  I like having nothing to do.  I wish I had someone to do nothing with.
I am a warrior.  I will get through this weekend and make it my victory.

Just a quick thought

I'm going through some stuff right now.  I was just brushing my teeth and it came bearing down on me...I am so alone.  I have a wonderful family.  They are truly so wonderful.  And I know that one can be so alone even when you are married.  I know what that feels like.  But as I go through these little struggles of mine I wish I had a hand to hold, a warm and strong body to snuggle with just to take the edge off of life for a moment or two.
I have no one to share my feelings with that really wants to hear it.  No one that is truly glad to see me when I come home.  When I talk about my day, they politely listen but they would rather not have to.  I see it in their eyes.
I pray and pray.  I study and I ponder and think.  I know the Lord is there, but I can't feel Him.  I can't get close enough to fill the emptiness.  I know it is my fault and not my God's which only adds to the feelings of loss, failure and aloneness.